Human Soul
by DeliaofDaine
Summary: Tess's musings post-Departure


Author: Amber  
Disclaimer: Owned by Melinda Metz and Jason Katims, of which I am neither.  
Distribution: Just ask.   
Feedback: Even if it's just to tell me Tess is really evil, I'd like to hear what you think.  
Notes: This came from my frustrated Hussy brain trying to logically explain why Tess was so unTess during Departure and why she'd kill our beloved Alex. I might try a sequel, but I haven't decided yet.  
Summary: Tess-past, present, and future fight for control.   
  
  
He's been haunting my dreams since I killed him. And there's no mistake in this; I did kill him. Kivar might have put the suggestion in my head, but I was the one who mind-warped the poor, innocent boy for two months and then pushed his fragile mind past it's limits. I was the one who tricked Kyle into helping me get Alex's body into the car. I wish with every inch of my human soul that I could take it back, while my alien side keeps saying that he was in the way and I did what I had to, to get him out.   
  
I've grown to hate my alien side. The Ava in me is what caused me to give myself to Max even though I don't love him and knew it was a mistake. Ava's why I kept playing hot and cold with Kyle, even though I think he could have been 'it' for me. Ava's why I made them hate me. I think the Tess in me could have been Isabel's best shopping buddy, Kyle's girlfriend, Maria's friend, and something other than Liz's rival. Tess could have been happy being Max's confidant, would have gladly been Michael's sister, and enjoyed some of that Alex charm.   
  
But Ava won over Tess, in the end. She bullied Tess into a small corner in my mind, where she screams to be let out or cries for the things her body is doing. If I'm talking about Ava and Tess as if they're other people, who am I? I guess the only answer is I'm the small part of them both that they ignore in their eternal struggle for control. I have Tess's feelings, but I understand Ava's motives all too well. Basically I'm the observer who will be forgotten until they meet in the battle for the baby's life. Then they will both try to draw me to their side. Ava will want to set the child up as the future heir, if she manages to worm her way into Kivar's good graces, and Tess will want to give the baby to Max and then go off quietly to be forgotten. I personally hate both options, but I'll choose Tess's if I must.  
  
I often wonder why the other me, the one called Ava, didn't turn out like Tess. Was it because she had sounder moral ground? Was it because the other Vilondra and Rath betrayed their Royal Four and killed their Zan? Maybe it was because of the guardians we were given; maybe theirs didn't screw up like mine did. He was given no choice, really. He didn't want to get involved with our enemies, but they held my life in their hands and he couldn't sacrifice me if Destiny was to take its course. So he made the deal, pretended to betray the others, for the chance that when we were older we'd be strong enough to fight the Skins.   
  
It would have worked too, I think. At least, it would have if Tess hadn't started regaining her memories of Ava and Antar. That was the catalyst to Ava's return, the memories of the original Zan and the knowledge that Max would never be like him. I think Tess and I are both glad of that, because that means the Skins might not win this time. Ava might be willing to try to sell her soul, but Tess doesn't want to go down with her. I don't if in the eyes of Whoever made us all we're separate people. We should be, I think. Or they should be. Tess would never have betrayed her family and Ava would never have fallen for a human. Isn't that proof enough?  
  
Zan was a fool, truthfully. He didn't realize that he'd been betrayed from three different directions until the end, so how could he have been the king Antar needed? Vilondra, Rath, and Ava all abused his trust in some way, maybe not as serious as falling in love with the enemy, but letting rebel Skins worship you or not mentioning those betrayals are almost as bad in the end. Zan was naïve in who he gave his trust to, but he wasn't a bad person and he didn't deserve what he got. In the end, maybe Max will be stronger, because he was forced from his birth to never trust completely and never to let his guard down. Or he could be a worse king, because of his human ideals. Who am I to judge? I'm not exactly a saint here.   
  
I'm trying to avoid thinking about the child I carry as much as possible. It's not that I/we don't love him, he IS my/our son. It just hurts knowing that I managed to come full circle. The secret we've all kept, albeit for different reasons, is that Ava was pregnant when she died on Antar. That child was also a son and no one was allowed to share the happy news before our lives ended. We all feel differently about this child; Ava sees it as a second chance at the Antarian throne, Tess almost resents him for being yet another reason for the Roswellians to hate her, and I'm just worried he will cost them the war.   
  
I wish sometimes, most of the time really, that he was Kyle's, not just because it would clear up these problems, but because he'd make a great father. This poor child, who I've already named Xander, will have the weight of two planets on his shoulders, just like his father. Xander will be beautiful, funny, and smart. Just like his namesake. I can only hope he will be strong enough to fight his own inner demons too.   
I started this talking about Alex haunting my dreams, but that was a lie. He doesn't try to hurt me in my dreams. In fact, he tells me he forgives me, that he understands now. Sometimes he sings lullabies to Xander, which surprises me because I didn't know he had such a lovely voice. I'm aware they're dreams, but I really think he's visiting me from whatever place he went to after Ava killed him, after we killed him.   
  
He told me to tell his girls that he loves them, tell the guys that they had better protect his girls or he'll come back from the dead to knock them on their butts, and tell Xander that he's a pretty lucky kid. And I plan to, or maybe Tess will, if we ever manage to overthrow Ava. There's also the little problem of whether or not Max, Isabel, and the others will believe anything that comes from our mouth. Maybe they will. I mean, we can't be the only one trying to separate past, present, and future (me?) and trying to keep our sanity from slipping further.  
  
We're only alive, because Kivar wants Xander to use against the rest of the Royal Four. He doesn't like Ava much, not that I can blame him, but he's keeping her alive so he can get Max's precious heir, which sort of reminds me of Max's decision to let us get into the Granilith. I realized recently that Ava is much like a child in her ability to ignore that which doesn't fit into her little dream world, like the fact our life will be pretty much forfeit when Xander is born. She goes around treating the servants like cockroaches, just like she used to, occasionally peeking in on Tess and, unconsciously, I to make sure we're not plotting against her and doesn't even have the sense to be afraid of what happens next.   
  
It's a strange universe we live in where a person actually starts hoping they lose a war like Ava's waging. I hope every day that Max finds a way to come rescue Xander, to destroy Kivar and us. I wish that, because of one simple, sad fact: Tess and I aren't stronger than our past. If we were Alex would be alive, Kyle would be our eternal love slave, and Xander wouldn't exist. I don't pray for my survival, but I pray for Tess and Xander. They deserve more than this. Maybe Ava and I do too, but Tess is the one who's being forced to share what's rightfully hers.   
  
I said human soul when I started this musing and I'm right. But just as there's a human's soul, there's an alien mind and a hybrid heart. We all just have to compete for who gets the body, I guess. Let's all just hope it's the right one.   



End file.
